Editor’s Note: This will be Warren Miller’s last column. Due to vision problems, Warren will no longer be writing his column. His new book will be released later this spring.

As you get older, there are a couple of days every year when your entire body cries out in pain. One is the day after your first day of skiing, especially your thighs. The other day is when that same body cries out in pain is after your first day of whatever summer sport is your favorite. Golf or windsurfing comes to mind.

I am about to end that pain forever with a simple, non-medical method of getting rid of all of those pains in 30 minutes. Yes, pain free in 30 minutes. Always have Rolaids handy for the day after muscle exercise. That’s right, just chew up four Rolaids if you weigh 200 lbs. and three is enough if you weigh 150 lbs. or less.

“I have to again emphasize that I am not trained in anything medical and therefore don’t recommend this medical mythology, but all I can say is that it saved my helicopter ski vacation.”

How and why something this works I have no idea except a doctor friend of mine told me about it roughly 30 years ago. I could barely walk I was so sore but since he could not explain why it works I didn’t try it. But a few years later when I was narrating my show live in the Opera House at Sun Valley, after almost 60 days on the road and in different hotel every night, and the first day of skiing newly under my belt, I could barely climb the steps to the stage. During a lull in my movie when I didn’t have anything to say, I tried some Rolaids. Bingo, 30 minutes later I was pain free. I have no idea why it works anymore than I know where the white goes when the snow melts.

Let’s talk about more serious pain and take a lesson from elderly trainers who take care of racehorses worth millions of dollars.

They use a clear liquid called DMSO when joints or cartilage are really sore. The first time I used it, I had some foot surgery and my left ski boot was extremely painful. I got some DMSO from a local vet in Hailey, Idaho, and applied it to my sore foot. It has what is called an osmotic property, which translates to a liquid that will pass from one cellular structure into another one by osmosis.

When you apply DMSO it passes from the outside of your flesh through your flesh and into your bloodstream. On the way, if there is any swelling or dirt between the skin and a vein or artery, DMSO will take it along with it on its journey through your body. (Some of those old-time trainers have pretty tobacco-stained fingers and that poison goes right into their systems, as well as the horses. Probably not good so be sure your hands are clean.)

Within a minute or two after you apply the DMSO, you will get a garlic taste in your mouth and know that it is working. I am not a doctor and I have to stress the importance of talking to a doctor before you use DMSO. But I figure no veterinarian is going to risk a million dollar horse and what is my body worth?

There is a substitute for DMSO that has the same osmotic molecule in its composition. Definitely do not use this one, but I can only say it worked like a champ and let me ski for a whole week on a Mike Wiegle helicopter trip in Canada.

I had a new pair of boots and by the end of the first day my feet hurt beyond usage. There was no vet in Blue River and so I took a chance and substituted DMSO with WD 40. That’s right WD 40 has the same osmotic molecule in it that DMSO does. I bought a can of it at the local gas station and sprayed my feet after almost every helicopter ride. The only difference was that instead of the garlic taste in my mouth it tasted like fuel oil. Again I caution you not to do this.

The second afternoon one of the ladies was so sore she could not even get out of a chair to go to dinner. Her husband sprayed her thighs with WD 40 and 45 minutes later she was in the dining room dancing with her ski guide.

When I got back home in Manhattan Beach, I was telling the local hardware store owner about my discovery and he said, “Miller, get with the program. I coach a little league football team and the first thing I do every fall is give each one of my players a can of WD 40 so whenever they hurt they just spray the soreness and they can play in the next game.”

I have to again emphasize that I am not trained in anything medical and therefore don’t recommend this medical mythology, but all I can say is that it saved my helicopter ski vacation. Without it I would have had to sit in an expensive lodge for a week without skiing. In 20 years, the owner of the hardware store/coach has never had a problem with a bruised little league football player and the kids have saved a lot on medical bills.

A lot of them, however, do have bad breath from the diesel fuel taste in their mouth after a WD 40 spray job on a bruise.

Warren Miller is history’s most prolific and enduring ski filmmaker. Visit warrenmiller.net or his Facebook page at facebook.com/warrenmiller. Read more of Warren’s stories at TheTahoeWeekly.com.

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